Tania Elfersy is Leaving a Luscious Legacy

It took me a few years to understand that being a “good” (a.k.a. perfect) mother was not what I needed to strive for…. ~Tania Elfersy

Many of the women I counsel in my culinary nutrition world appear to suffer various degrees of culinary shame. They feel like a failure when their families don’t enjoy the meals they prepare. They feel lonely in the kitchen. Or, they simply haven’t yet experienced the joy of cooking. Notice I say, “yet.” I’m the eternal optimist.

I love this interview because Tania expresses some of these struggles and then she shows us how her “trade for sanity” and her willingness to “receive,” transformed her experience around food. I was struck by the win-win nature of the arrangement she and her mother-in-law worked out. It made me think of my grandmother and how much she loved to feed people. Savor this interview and be sure to leave a comment and tell us your nourishment story.

Tania Elfersy is the co-author and publisher of the award-winning, beautiful and inspiring *gift book* for new moms, Purple Leaves, Red Cherries: A Gift for Mothers with Short Stories, Journal & Toolkit.

“Purple Leaves, Red Cherries is a must-read for new mothers, an unparalleled gift that celebrates both the sacred beauty and the complex challenges of motherhood.” ~SheKnows

We all have a story. Tania, can you tell us a little bit about your food history? Where did your nourishment story begin?

I grew up in the land of Marmite and Salt n’ Vinegar Crisps, yet native dishes in my home were both Couscous Royale and Goulash with Dumplings followed by Apple Strudel.

Food was healthy, central to family life and far from the bland English cuisine of our surroundings. My mother (a daughter of Austrian refugees) always strove to serve food in its most natural state; at home she made yogurt, bread and jam with produce from the garden. My father (originally from Morocco) sought the “Souk” in the few remaining markets around London and kept our home stocked with large amounts of fresh fruit and vegetables. Both were and still are active creators and fusion shakers in the kitchen.

What was your “food life” like before and then after the birth of your children?

Before I became a mother I used to travel often, for business and pleasure, and I loved soaking up flavors from around the world.

By the time I had reached my late twenties, I had moved to Tel Aviv, Israel. I bought and renovated a small apartment 10 minutes’ walk from the beach and in the center of café culture. I worked hard and came home to play in my neighborhood.

My apartment (with its 1.5 bedrooms) was named “The Palace” by my friends. Far from grand, it was colorful and bright, and I loved to entertain there. I was happy for my friends to drop by at any time; there was always some good cheese and crackers ready to be shared over wine, or a G&T to pour, or some Pimm’s & Lemonade.

With time, I married, became pregnant and became a mom.

Shortly after the birth of our first child, we left “The Palace” for a larger apartment, further from the beach, closer to the main park, with parent friendly facilities – an elevator and parking.

As I journeyed through early motherhood as a stay-at-home mom, I discovered new priorities and a new rhythm in life. Entertaining was not on my agenda. I couldn’t quite understand how to keep a baby and guests happy at the same time.

These days, we have three children, a garden, and we entertain almost every weekend. Yet eight years on, I am still not the host I used to be. My husband is much better at it; I am often still too distracted by the kids’ needs.

What was your most powerful insight around feeding your children during those early years?

That it is okay when your children wean very differently from the textbook!

For example, by the time my first child was 11 months old he was still ONLY interested in breast milk. One day, I decided I would have to cut out breastfeeding in the day altogether if my son was ever going to start eating solid food. By that evening, he was gobbling up spicy chicken and he never looked back! One month later, he decided to wean himself completely.

What is/was your biggest struggle with food as a mom?

Rejection. I learned about it around the kitchen table.

Once my first child actually started eating, I opened up the recipe books for inspiration. As a stay-at-home mom, my days revolved around two main events: going to the park and making lunch.

Every day, I got excited about preparing an interesting lunch. I remembered dinner parties full of flavor and satisfied guests. I compared it to me and my son in the kitchen as he toyed with my culinary efforts.

My creative cooking spirit slowly but surely left me. By the time my second child came along and started eating solids, I was no longer willing to invest time in cooking new dishes, which would invariably be left untouched. Had the kids eaten something balanced and healthy? Out with variety; that became good enough for me.

I work with a lot of women who want very much to nourish their families but like you, end up feeling pretty lonely and frustrated in the kitchen. How did you cope with these feelings?

I moved in with the tribe!

As we planned our third child, I knew I would need more help with the kids. We decided to move away from the city we loved to live very close to my parents-in-law in their aging neighborhood. In my book, Purple Leaves, Red Cherries, I describe this move as my “Trade for Sanity.”

Today, I feel incredibly blessed. My mother-in-law loves to cook and feed her extended family. Her prolific and exceptional cuisine is influenced by her Turkish origins. Cooking is what she does and feeding us gives her purpose.

My husband and I are able to help his parents in different ways and our children lavish them with affection. We all benefit from living as a tribe!

Olives from my kitchen counter: Moroccan olives (black) marinated by my father;
Syrian olives (green) marinated by my father-in-law.

My parents live 40 minutes’ away and love to see us
sitting around their dining room table at least once a week!

In your book, Purple Leaves, Red Cherries, you talk about needing to be the “good” mother with happy children. How did that struggle play out in your kitchen?

Being a “good” mother is such a loaded term – bounced around in a dichotomy with “bad” mother, soaked with expectations from those around us and loaded with our own memories which, by the way, are not of our mothers as new mothers (how could we remember that?) but much further on in life.

The kitchen is one more stage where we can judge ourselves and be judged. It took me a few years to understand that being a “good” (a.k.a. perfect) mother was not what I needed to strive for. Instead, I realized I needed to be a happy mother loving my kids. With this formula in mind, everything would fall into place.

Sometimes, when I tell people how we live and how much help we receive from my in-laws, they judge me for not cooking enough. I remind myself of my formula – I am a happy mom (receiving the support I need), loving my children (ensuring they eat healthily) – I AM MOM ENOUGH!

So many of my clients feel that they have to do it all, perfectly, yet they have very little support in place! Can you tell us a little bit about the shift that occurred for you when you made the decision to move closer to your husband’s parents?

Modern parenting is so often carried out in a support vacuum. These days, women often become mothers later in life after years of independent living. We are achievers; we set targets and reach them. But parenting is very different.

I had to completely change my mindset to feel relaxed in motherhood and moving close to my in-laws was the completion of that transformation. We realized that we didn’t have to parent disconnected from a support network; a hundred years ago, we wouldn’t have parented that way and if we were elephants or chimpanzees we wouldn’t parent that way either!

I know not everyone can move close to their parents when they themselves become parents, but I wonder, could more parents create their own tribe? Could more parents receive help from retirees and in return allow them to preserve their worth by contributing to their family life?

I love that you brought together the voices of mothers to uncover red cherry moments in each woman’s tale. Can you tell us a little more about those “red cherry” moments?

Every mom has stories to tell about motherhood. And what’s amazing is, while one woman may feel it is her everyday story, for another woman it will be a story with a “red cherry” moment, a moment of enlightenment. It is for this reason that we brought 48 very short, yet meaningful stories together in the book Purple Leaves, Red Cherries. We know that each story can nourish a woman, make her feel less alone, and make her feel mom enough.

If you could leave my readers with a few pieces of wisdom from your personal journey or the collective wisdom you gathered in your book, what would it be?

1. Consider creating your tribe because no mom or two parents can do it all.
2. Remove perfection from your parenting lexicon because there are no perfect parents.
3. Share your parenting stories.
4. Focus on being a happy mom who loves her children and the whole family will benefit.

Faduelos (Traditional Moroccan Cakes)

In our family, we eat Faduelos (along with a large selection of other cakes!) to celebrate the end of the fast of Yom Kippor (The Day of Atonement). As you will note, this recipe contains some “original” measuring tools as used by my paternal grandmother.

Ingredients

3 eggs
350g (12.3oz) self-rising flour
½ egg shell oil
½ egg shell water
(How else would my grandmother measure?!)

1. Mix eggs, water and oil.
2. Slowly add flour to form dough.
3. Knead dough until smooth.
4. Divide dough into 6 equal portions.
5. Roll out each dough portion with additional flour to make a thin square of approx. 10″x10″.
6. Cut 5 equal strips of 10″ long and 2″ wide.
7. Place strips on a clean kitchen towel and cover with another towel so the dough doesn’t dry out.
8. Heat 1 inch of oil in small pan.
9. Holding a dough strip in one hand and a folk in the other hand, dip the end of one strip into the heated oil and immediately start rolling up the strip as it hardens, pricking any big bubbles with the folk. Gently allow more of the dough strip to go into the oil, allowing the dough to be fried into the roll shape. Once the entire dough strip has entered the oil and the Faduelos is lightly golden, remove from the oil onto kitchen paper.
10. Repeat for each dough strip.
11. Sprinkle with icing sugar to serve.

To better understand the frying process, you can watch a video here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5601033232302092137

To find out more about Tania’s book, Purple Leaves, Red Cherries check out:
http://purpleleavesredcherries.com
Facebook Page: http://www.facebook.com/PurpleLeavesRedCherries
You can find Tania on Twitter: @PurpleLeavesRed
And LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/taniaelfersy